Star Review Guide for Authors {ReBlog}

Reblogged from Lornographic Material:

In case you're an author who can't seem to figure out what star ratings mean on Goodreads (the ones that do not have a review attached to them), I shall take the time here to break it down for you.


5 stars = You're the best thing since sliced tuna. A reader that leaves you a fiver would like nothing more than to perform fellatio/cunnilingus on your novel just to return the orgasmic glee your work provided them.


4 stars = They liked it more than winning a free scratch off ticket but not as much as scoring the million-dollar pot. You weren't time wasted, but a good waste of time. You know, kind of like your sex life.


3 stars = You failed to impress, but the reader doesn't regret their time. They'll more than likely try your stuff again. Basically, you're tasty Thai food, but you still gave them the runs.


2 stars = They don't like your book, though this can be taken as personal preference. In other words, you're not their cup o' tea and cornbread, but others might enjoy sopping you up with a biscuit. 


1 star = You're no better than the food particles floating around in a sink full of water after the dishes are done. Somehow you managed to violate these readers' senses with your word boner. You're the inside of their thighs after a day at the water park. You're the bone in their boneless fish. You're the volcano to their Pompeii. And, just like real life, people don't have to know you to dislike you. Sometimes you just have a disagreeable face, or one that people want to thunder punch into oblivion. Don't take it personally, because you know plenty of folks yourself whom you feel the same way about.


I hope I've been of some assistance!