1. Buy all the books.
Yes ALL of them. Spend a good part of each and every day buying all the books. You don't need to worry yourself about reading them. As long as you keep buying You Are Doing Your Part. Don't work for The Man (that was so 90's), work for The Author. Buy a few extra copies to toss around town, just for fun. You don't need to eat or clothe your kids. Am I right?
2. If the book sucks write a review but lie your freaking ass off.
Remember exclamation marks are your best friend!! Use them and abuse them. Be sure to wax poetic about how the prose inspired you to be a better person or some other lame BS. The casual reader won't notice your fibs, they'll be too busy hitting that "buy it now" button. Now you do the hokey pokey and you turn yourself around because selling books for authors, yeah, that's what it's all about!
3. Remember kiddies always, and I do mean always, keep the author in mind when composing your review.
I find it helpful to print out an 8x10 poster of their glamour shot to remind myself of who exactly I'm writing the review for. I tend to be the forgetful sort and sometimes write them with my friends in mind and then I have a moment of clarity and have to write the whole thing all over again. Don't be like me, it's a pain in the bum to do all that work twice.
4. Post your review right away.
Don't stop to smell the roses, notice the grammatical errors or godferbid waste time pondering the plot holes. Post that sucker ASAP before you have time to think about any of it. The sooner that five star review is out there, the better the odds are that the author will survive in this cruel, cruel new world. And if that's not incentive enough just remember to do it for the children. Their children. Yours are more than likely desiccated from neglect and starvation since you're so busy doing such important work for the betterment of the planet.
5. Use Your Real Name. Pen Names Are For Fools Who Don't Deserve Author Love (and who are too obsessed with their own personal safety)
I saved the most important rule for last. Feel free to ignore the rest (at your own peril, of course) but trust me, you really don't want to be a silly gangsta and should heed this one if you expect any author to trust you with their book babies. Always sign the review with your real name, home address and your social security number. This way authors can send you lovely presents and even stop by your place for some tea and crumpets! Wouldn't that be grand? Isn't that why we all do this? Never mind the children, be selfish and do it for the crumpets!
And PS for all of those without any sense of humor and who are here on booklikes only lurking for blog fodder THIS IS A JOKE. This is supposed to be fun people. Stop with all the silly rules already!